Surfing the Waves to The Land of If Only

 Man..... The land of if only. It's not a great place to go, it looks so pretty though with all the oh what it could of been thoughts, when in reality it just takes you farther and farther from creating better for yourself. I have definitely been there before i think we all have. It is easy to fall into a rhythm there. BUT I absolutely HATE being there. I get sucked in and struggle to get out. Tell me I am not the only one who feels this way. 

I have been feeling the tides of life really trying to push me in that direction. If only I hadn't left horses, If only I had went back earlier. Add in the what ifs and I am a Hot mess. Notice the capital H.... because it is a capital offense for my mental health to be in this state. I am constantly wondering if I am going to get the job I want in Florida, I have mentioned it but we haven't been able to go through the details yet and it is STRESSING ME OUT. Add in the thought that I have to have a backup plan, which I do but I can't get the ball rolling on that until I find out from the first so I feel like I am in the weird limbo. But at the same time I can see the pit of despair that I am currently on course to hit as my job currently doesn't bode well for my mental health. 

I have come to the realization that sometimes your 10 year old self does know you best and when she said she would never work in an office that you should of taken her advice instead of taking a job sitting in an office for 6-8 hours a day. I have a loathing for traffic. I think every one does, it makes getting up in the morning hard knowing i have to sit through that for an hour. Passive waiting is not my forte.... I am finding that when I wake up and know I am getting out of bed just to go sit in an office out of the sun for 6-8 hours, where I am not physically active at all has made my hyper aware of what day it is ( I have never been more aware of days of the week as I have been in the last month) I used to be a morning person. I now dread the mornings as I have nothing in my day that I am excited to do.  

I have stopped even really going to the gym.... which used to bring me so much joy as I loved feeling stronger in my everyday life that it was exciting to go and see those gains. Now.... Now I don't use my body physically during the day so I have lost the need or want to go to the gym as why work for something that I will never use? What a hard pill to swallow this was.... And something that I don't fully know how to flip the switch on either. As I am pretty healthy as I am so again my brain says why change? Not the mentality to have. I know. I just came to this realization yesterday.... Imma work on it.... 

In the mean time I am keeping my head as high as I can and keep envisioning what Warren and I's life can look like when we do move to Florida. Keep me in your thoughts y'all. 

AND We Are Moving to Florida!

 Oh man I cannot begin to tell you how excited I am for this. I moved here because I thought I wouldn't want to or shouldn't work in the horse industry for the rest of my life and I was given an opportunity that I thought I needed to go on as it had been offered to me at 3 different times. And that just seemed like a sign I needed to make the move. I am glad I did, I have had some experiences into how Americans act and what I consider as my values as I see things I like and don't like in the American society, a society I had moved out of when I started in the horse industry. After traveling I can see the things that I consider flaws in this world and our society. It isn't always pretty is it. It makes me want to travel again, to continue to grow my mind as I am not done learning what other cultures have to offer. I have been wanting to go back to horses since May/June though I knew I couldn't voice my opinion because Warren needed to be in Charleston he had things he needed to finish. But then he did finish... and I had to voice my opinion. 

I wanted to go back to horses. But I didn't want to force it. I know there are alternate opportunities there. With the potential for better help than he has here. Our support system here isn't the greatest. To be better equipped for the future I know a good support system around you is key, I didn't know how well we would be able to switch that around. Though I know Warren's beliefs and I truly believe he will find like minded people so well there. He wants better but is in the same environment from when he was a child. Moving out of the area to some place new can really change the way you look at things and approach them. 

I  am excited to be back to the noses, the little flares of the nostrils as they show there excitement to see us, well the food we are bringing but I like to think its us. I am excited to see the show ring to show what our kiddos can do. To see new places, to share those places with Warren. I am uuh so so ready for it. My heart has settled so much my creativity feels renewed. There are things I wish to accomplish creatively but in the situation Warren and I are in we can't accomplish that. It's going to be a good move, an exciting move, ugh Thanksgiving can't get here fast enough.  

Bonnaroo: The Lost Weekend

 Well for  the second year in a row Bonnaroo has been canceled...... When Warren and I first met we talked about how we had both planned on going to Bonnaroo in 2020 but obviously that didn't happen and how we had wanted to go this year so we put in for time off at the beginning of the year we paid our tickets off over 4 months and we planned. Then two weeks before we get covid.... DUN DUN DUUUUNN!!!!! 

BUT we would be in the clear, we needed a negative test and we where right at the 14 days for it to be ok. then Ida came.... and it rained, and rained, and rained some more. We got the message the day before it was supposed to start and we where going to leave that it was canceled. We where devastated. Though we didn't let it get us down. I went home and in the span of about 2 hours had a camping trip planned for Tennessee. Mountains and hiking here we come.

We stayed the night in the hotel we had already planned to be at then took some time to check out Chattanooga before heading up to Falls Creek Falls where we were camping. Chattanooga, its a good spot ya'll, had a really good brunch and the waiter gave us a whole list of things to do, which was awesome! We checked out some cute shops, walked around the park that has a bridge that connects the city via walk way over the Tennessee River. Which was super cool; think, old railroad bridge but with a solid bottom, no need to jump from crosstie to crosstie like we are in that movie, Stand By Me. with benches at the peak of the river to watch the water go by or see an amazing sunrise or beautiful sunset. 

Suck Creek, ever heard of it? Me neither. This was a locals only spot, if DeAnthony hadn't told us where we where going you never would of thought to pull off at that spot. At the first slight incline of the mountain, you come to a gravelly shoulder with a couple cars pulled in and parked. No signs saying why someone would pull off at that spot but its actually one of the mountain creeks! Took my breath away pretty, with the clear rushing waters over the colorful river rocks, and the calm pools behind the boulders, I wish we could of stayed longer and soaked it all in. It actually reminded me of the spot I used to go to in New York when I worked for Ilan. I went a few times, the first time about 5 of us eh maybe 6... Anyways  went to the spot, it was a pull off at the side of the road right before a bridge, so we knew there was water underneath kind of spot. We actually walked down too far before going towards the water. on the wrong side of the  parking area to boot.. so we get to the river and realize that it isn't swimmable where we are so Cole and I decided we would walk up the river, in the river! The rest took to the woods to see if we could find a spot quiet enough to swim. Cole much better at this than I. Though by golly I wanted to do it. I struggled but I made it, got thoroughly soaked by then. The place to swim was right up under the bridge where a deep pool had been dug. It had a rope swing and everything. We took turns jumping into the pool, man was it fun. Turns out it took us about 3 minutes to walk back to our cars.... from the opposite direction, oops. 

Alas it was time to head to the mountains...... and I do mean mountains. Cell reception 0. Wifi only at the visitor center, views words can't describe. Falls Creek Falls. When we got there we did the standard set up camp, drive around and see all the things the park had, swimming in the creeks and rivers, nature center to a lot of the hikes, boat rentals on the lake. I was pretty impressed.  

My favorite moment I think from the whole trip happened that first night. We went to the boat ramp so I could watch the sunset and smoke a little smoke. We sat there for a while it was still probably 2 hours from sunset but just being in nature and getting to let go and not feel the need to be on my phone, to speak to Warren about what was on my mind. Rambling my thoughts out good thoughts not so good thoughts, thoughts that didn't make sense, I just threw them out there. It put my body and mind at ease. Though being with Warren as always been that for me. Warren laid there patiently as I rambled going a long with what I was saying giving his input as he felt he could. It was beautiful. This was not the best part of this moment, it gets better. As my thoughts quieted Warren ever the hungry man he is asked about food. Since we still had a while before sunset, and I knew sunset wasn't going to be spectacular, pretty but not spectacular there's a difference. We drove back to the campsite to make nachos. As I am making them I am trying to hold back my thoughts that we won't make it back to the boat ramp for sunset. Even though I don't think it will be spectacular there is just something about a sunset that feels good. 

As the nachos are finishing and I am pulling out the toppings Warren goes well aren't we going to take it back to the boat ramp? ........... My mind just went to pure bliss. This man understood. He knew. I was over joyed, my smile was massive. So we packed up the nachos, bless the cast iron for keeping everything so warm. We sat and enjoyed the sunset as we ate our nachos, and had a beautiful moment together. That is the memory from this weekend that will live with me. Not the cool caverns with their great concert acoustics, not the sound the forest makes as it wakes up at night, not hiking up a mountain creek, or flipping the boat while white water rafting, but dinner by the lake with the love of my life, talking about our hopes, our dreams, our worries, our needs, wants, desires, and whats next in life. 

Bonnaroo. While I am still sad I didn't get to see what the hype is all about or dance under the electric sky, two years in a row now. I want to say thank you for allowing this moment, this beautiful weekend to happen. Warren and I have made some decisions for our life with moving forward that I am over the moon about. Maybe next year we will finally be able to make it, I am going to laugh if and when Warren proposes if he does it at Bonnaroo. That would be ironic. 

UTI's, Flu, and Covid Oh My!!

 I knew I would get Covid eventually. I didn't think I would get Covid, the flu, and a UTI all at once...... BUT I will be honest I have one major medical issue a year, wether its stitches, concussions, kicks to the face, mumps, you name it I have probably dealt with it. This year was no different. 10 days. That's what I was told I need to quarantine for 10 days. 

Tuesday, 2 days before I got tested I woke up with some strange symptoms. That could be Covid, or the flu but because I have kidney issues and my fair share of issues with them, some of those symptoms also how I present for UTI's. though i wasn't sure until I took antibiotics for it that I happened to have and felt better that I went in the next day to get checked. While the doctor was a little baffled by my symptoms and thought it might be something else, day 3 on antibiotics and those symptoms are basically gone so I like to think one of 3 problems are on the way out the door. 

Covid v the flu. who knows what's what. Yes I have a bit of a fever though I am sweating ball sacks and think its not quite right. Ok I have a cough I do anytime I get sick of any kind. Body aches ok yes but some of that was from the UTI and the lower half of my body is feeling better the top half of my body on the other hand..... not so much. My head hurts, my eyes are KILLING me. gah. 

The worst part..... My mom was supposed to come see me this weekend. We where going to have our first girls weekend since I was in college...... She was supposed to drive up on Thursday, the day I got tested..... She thought I would be fine and be negative.... Hell I thought I would be negative..... Nope positive, well she left early in the am before I got my results or even got tested as she thought I would be fine. Bless her. She came anyways to get me groceries, bring me meds. When I tell you I almost cried when she pulled up in the yard. I almost cried.

Have you ever missed seeing someone so much and then be able to see them but not be able to hug them or be close to them? It is heart wrenching. Man I have missed her. And I definitely over did it. We  sat in the yard for a while and chatted and it was so nice to see my mom and talk to her face to face, but by the time I got back inside I was done for. My fever spiked, cold sweats, couldn't move for a solid 30 minutes afterwards so my body could recover..... That was a terrible feeling. 

She leaves tomorrow..... I am going to miss her so much, but I can't wait for her to come back and we can try again.... though maybe once cases have dropped a little bit. 

Bright side at least my medical issues for the year have been taken care of in one go.

New Beginnings

 I GOT A JOB OFFER AND I TOOK IT!!!

Man does that feel good to say! Don't get me wrong I do like where i work and I am super grateful that I did get to work here and get the experience I did here, as it has lead me to where I am now. BUT I now get to move into a passion of mine nutrition coaching! ok ok it isn't the perfect ideal this is where I want to be for the rest of my life job but it does get me in the door. That is what I need right now. To get my foot in the door and start getting my toes wet. 

When I started at my current job it was my step into the fitness industry it was my intro into what opportunities are out there for helping people in the same way that I have been helping horses for years. I get to help with the behind the scenes things. The daily struggles, highs and lows, the moving into personal potential. That is what I am passionate about. I want to help people the way I helped horses. To be apart of the small victories, that's what brings tears to my eyes, and I think nutrition is a great way to impact lives in the way I hope. 

It's funny when I first started learning about nutrition I thought it would be about food and portions and how our bodies react to food, but it isn't just that it's how we perceive food, why we eat the way we do, it's not just about the food but why we eat the way we do how our bodies handle food compared to stress and sleep and workouts and so many different things! It is fascinating! 

Looking forward to this new chapter in my life and how I can grow and become better with this experience under my belt. Here's to mini milestones! 

Let the Meal Prep Begin!

Anyone else out there a meal prepper? Since Warren and I started dating, maybe a month and a half after, we started meal prepping together.  Let's talk technical....We combine grocery shop for meal things and then take one day, usually  Saturday or Sunday and spend a few hours in the kitchen prepping 6 breakfasts for him, (I make egg sandwiches day of for my breakfast), 6 of one meal, and 8 of another meal. The breakdown is 4 of each meal for him and 4 of one meal for me and 2 of the other. Warren has a thing for eating food hot and I definitely  do not. I like my ham/chicken sandwiches for lunch not a full meal. 

Now does this cover all of our food nope. not at all. But it does make it a lot easier! Warren doesn't have to worry about lunch or dinner most of the time, which is great for him as he is up at 4:15 most mornings, comes home just long enough to eat breakfast and take a short nap before heading to work until 5/6/7 at night. 

I on the other hand have a little more time in the am to make breakfast, and lunch, I do have an absolute love for sandwiches. But I don't get home until 5/6/7 either so having dinner ready and just needing to reheat it is a HUGE life saver. 

Meal prep is hard. I can't be the only one who thinks this. The doing of the prepping isn't hard its more finding recipes to make! Pinterest has been my best friend in that. Though not every recipe, dish, meal, is meal preppable.... I have learned this one the hard way. Have gotten better with it but I still have some moments where it just doesn't reheat very well those are not fun weeks, let me tell you. 

The more I think about it the more I wish bloggers, recipe makers, etc would give some tips and tricks for large batch meal prepping things. Like few things I know and can give you a secret on. Make extra sauce. When you reheat things the sauce doesn't go nearly as far as you think it does, make extra sauce. Don't finish the meal..... This one sounds crazy BUT remember you do have to heat it again to eat it. Let it do its magic on that heating moment. So like when at the end it says to combine ingredients together and simmer or whatever the recipe says..... DON'T DO IT!!! Combine them in your storage container then let them finish melding flavors when you reheat, it tastes better that way. 

Maybe this is my calling. I haven't found anyone else who dishes the tips and tricks for meal prepping a meal. Maybe I will start doing that. Giving the tips and tricks for making meals/
recipes that are delish, and turning them into meal preppable meals. That could get interesting..... I will add it to the ideas list.....

It Can Only Go Up From Here

 Today I finally went back to the gym after about a week and a half off. I will one day explain why that was as it is a part of my story and I have a feeling that it will be a strong point in my journeys timeline but that wound is a little too fresh to put on the internet. 

I woke up about an hour before my alarm this am. I have been in my head and over thinking all the things I could in life. I almost let that consume me again this morning. I felt it shrugging its comfortable blanket of constant over thinking trying to press it down upon my shoulders. But I am tired, tired of being in that space, for the past 2 weeks it has been while familiar not what I want to be comfortable in. But then I remembered that I have to move on, that getting stuck in this moment is not where I want to take my plateau moment at. Plateaus are for the good moments in life. The moments I want to feel and revel in so that the next climb has a little perspective to keep me moving for that next type of feel good moment.

I finished a chapter in my nutrition course. I wrote my goals on my mirror. Does anyone else do that? Someone out there that is smarter than me that has a lot more knowledge on that than me said you need to visualize your goals. What better way to do that than to write it down where you will see it all the time so you know where you are going. I can’t get away from that now. I can’t say no to my goals because they are there staring me in the face. I have 3 goals up there right now and I am so ready to start crossing those off and seeing the progress!

Now on to the second part of my morning. The getting back into the gym. I have put it off for a bit as I have been using food to hide behind so I didn’t have to process my emotions as I was scared to be uncomfortable as I felt those feelings and learned my lessons I needed to from them. Well boy howdy did I feel them today. I would say this was my favorite workout today, not because of the movements, not because of the people, I never actually talked to anyone today funny enough. But because when I showed up the power was off, it was dark there was no where to be but in the moment but with yourself. 

We started with an EMOM for 8 minutes and by minute 4 I was crying. I never stopped but let those emotions move through me as I moved and used that feeling of being uncomfortable to fuel my movement. My coach came over and asked me if I was ok, I choked out that i just needed to move. So I did. By the time we got to the workout I was able to focus to realize that it was going to be ok and that life moves on and its ok to miss a moment. To shelf something for the time being as it isn’t the right time for everything when certain things happen and just because somethings get put in your path that you want you have to say no, not for now, I need to do A and B before C happens I can’t just jump to C and hope A and B happen. And that’s ok. Sometimes I will say you might be able to get away with it, that fake it till you make it mentality. Which I have done and will do again, promise, but that doesn’t work for everything. Wisdom is knowing when to do it, wing it, and make it happen, and when to say hey not yet I can’t put that piece of the puzzle down until a few more pieces fall onto the table.  

My goal today was to move. And move I did. I haven’t felt this good in a hot moment. I might still be crying 2 and a half hours later as I soak up the last of these big feelings I have right now but I moved today so mission accomplished. 

Tomorrow I hope to be able to honor my feelings and my body and move again. Not  fast, not hard, but consistently move.